Pekabo!!!! (apa khabar!!!!)

It's Been What.... Two Years?!!?

2011-12-10T00:57:00.001+08:00

There is power in achieving daily wins, like:
- Being on time for work for for 6 months straight, after today
- Maintaining that strict diet you say you would
- Helping your mom to buy the groceries again
- Meeting that monthly sales target
- Finishing your homework on time, as always

Yet there is an untapped potential power that we all possess, more magnificent than any daily goals we currently have. That which has been swept away beneath the foreground of everyday-worries, procrastination, and limited self-belief. These potential powers lie in the deepest parts of our subconscious, and most of us continue to push it away, and eventually forget it. Like:

- That song you've always wanted to learn to play on the guitar
- That piece of music you've been saying you wanted to write since months ago
- That new language you've been wanting to pick up
- That new recipe
- That book you've been keeping in your drawer but never in the past year had time to open to a single page to read. (Or so you claimed)
- That piece of art which you keep visualizing in your head but never got it painted
- That vacation trip you've said you wanted for years
- That watersport you've been wanting to learn
- That short-film you've been wanting to direct and shoot, but haven't found time because of your full-time job

Well the question is -
How much of your life are you willing to disrupt, in the most responsible manner possible, to achieve this power? Not because of what you will have when you achieve it, but because of what you will become in the process of the journey.

Because what many of us don't realize is that, it is only upon the completion of these tasks and attainment of these powers, that would propel us into the next phase of life. Not our 'daily wins', and definitely not our fucking bullshit excuses we give ourselves everyday.

As Steve Jobs mentioned during a speech at a university graduation: "We cannot connect the dots looking forward, we can only connect them looking backwards". What he means is that, it is unexplainable as to why one would suddenly be compelled to do something new and possibly absolutely unrelated with their current study/profession. But answer that call, and do it anyway, because years down the road, you will look back, and then you will realize why you've done that.

For Steve, he also shared that for some weird reason he suddenly got interested in calligraphy at a young age. And he went on to pursue a study in that. Little did he expect that years later, he would be creating computers and introducing beautiful typography and fonts into the system, thus bringing computers into a breakthrough like never before.

You see, these treasures hide under mountains of rock and sand. And even after going all out to dig it out with your bare hands, you have no idea what the hell all that effort has been for. And chances are, you will never find out until years later. But answer that call anyway, it will reward you a 100 times greater than all of your daily wins put together. The evidence has been proven by hundreds of successful people around us.

Otherwise, continue in your contentment of 'daily wins'. I'm sure you'll still lead a great life.
Pfffffft.

All the best, folks.

Always remember to love, forgive, and share, wholeheartedly, always. And always.

Hi Again

2010-02-13T00:36:00.003+08:00

I welcome myself back into this blog.

It's as if I've just walked into my dusty apartment which I left for a few months. I reminisce as I pace around the cold familiar tiles. I remember how I used to talk about religion, relationships, family, government, career, and tons of racist and political subjects.

Today, I am 5 months into NS. I am now in ATGM platoon. Anti-Tank Guided Missile. Wanna know more?

Then talk to me.

Not much will change yet, regarding what I speak into this matrix.

There are times when I feel like I lost faith in God. There are times when my mom loses her faith in me and my future. And I am nobody to ask for faith in myself from anyone. Because I am still a nobody.

I feel excruciating pain again, as tears well up. Every drop filled with fear, insecurity in everything about myself and my future. But this will just be today, an occurrence once every few months.

Tomorrow I will wake up feeling stronger, more motivated. Because there is some sort of an unexplainable force that compels me to achieve this extraordinary mission that most people cannot comprehend. It is with this same force with which I am able to accept this mission into part of my life.

I will write another song soon.

And I will name the song, "There Must Be A Way..."

I love my girlfriend very much.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Stickwithme...

Tin

What up fat chicks?

2009-07-11T00:50:00.009+08:00

O djembe of mine

My drum divine

Allow this lame rhyme

Of mine, my prime

Teh O ice lime (limau)

good for the throat

and also the mind

My mind

Mind of mine

Toilet paper behind

This is the 9th line

Now tenth... line.

Fuck Eminem and Mike Shinoda

Justin's the new yellow boy on the block.

Respect. (Fists chest once and shows peace sign, sideways)

The hearts of thousands long for our reunion

Thus more have the ears ferment and deprived

I foster a message in a language only you can chant

Awe we will create and spiritual possession we will command.

Pain for pleasure, we've achieved

My fingers, your skin

And I now know how you felt when you had to wait for me in darkness ov blasphemy

Zipped beneath the the relativity that exists between comfort and discomfort.

2 weeks of face-flinching pain for me, 2 weeks of wooly isolation for you.

Behemoth's latest album, 'Evangelion', is out! FUCK YEAH!!!!! \m/

Astareth!

Bring forth the iron rain!

Hekate!

Bring forth plagues ov an ever-failing race!

ov ov ov ov ov ov ov!

FUCK YEAH!!!! \m/

P.S. I love you prata! =)

Randomityfrestobihepticalapticalapticalaptipenguinpencilguinsoundslikegwinalso ice latte.

2009-06-20T01:54:00.011+08:00

Apparently the first word's so long that it's ejaculating itself out of the perimeter of what the box allows. In case you missed it, that's

Randomityfrestobihepticalapticalapticalaptipenguinpencilguinsoundslikegwinalso.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, here's a super big FUCK YOU to you!!!

FUCK YOU!!!

So yesterday, the devil came out of his room 666 and knocked on my room door, 667.

So I opened the door and the devil was like, "Dude, can I borrow some salt?"

And I was like, "Hahaha, tears of suffering, pain, and lost hopes not salty enough for you?"

And the devil was like "Hahaha whou whou whou! I just came to get salt dude."

And I was like, "Hahaha okay okay chill bro/sis, gimme a min man."

And the devil was like "Sure. (shows a polite smile)"

So I went to the kitchen and took about 5 tablespoons of salt and put it into a mini tupperwear, came back out to my front door and handed it over.

"Here you go! I hope it's enough. =)"

"Yeah it is, cheers mate!"

I feel like shit, and I know I'll probably not have a peace of mine for quite awhile,

and therefore,

I imagine peace.

Side Note: And fuuuuuucccckkkkkk, after 2 fucking years of owning this blog, I took a look at the picture again. "667 - next door to devil"

Alamak what kind of fucking broken english is that!!!

It's THE devil!

not fierce already la buto.

The Wind Blows, And It Speaks.

2009-05-26T00:27:00.004+08:00

Long have I not felt like this:

being fearful and uncertain about the futures of myself and to whomever it may concern. And feeling helpless about it at the same time.

I fear, and I can do nothing, but wait and try to sleep it off.

Hail Mary, full of Grace..

Using my mac as a leg-rest right now.

2009-04-30T02:13:00.004+08:00

OMG I"M SO SLEEPY I COULD EAT A COW!!!!

OMG I"M SO COW I COULD EAT A SLEEPY!!!!

Wrong expression?

Fuck all.

Sikit sikit lama lama jadi bukit OIIIIII!!!!

Little little long long become hill OIIIII!!!!

Nitsuj says.

Phase: Exert

2009-04-22T01:17:00.004+08:00

Beneath the foreground of my everyday thoughts

Dreams and goals are scattered in the form of self-contained arguments, desolate conversations, and more poetry.

I look around me now and i see people, some of whom I recognize, some I don't.

They give me the stares that I fear, venomous stares that weakens my hope.

Dubiety, accusations, condescensions, malice, fear, I discern.

Despite what I construct of my own positivity, the images that flood my vision informs me otherwise.

There is no such thing as a peace of mind, and I feel deceived to be alive.

Amidst the clutter, I'm glad at least. there is still you.

Meet Justin

2009-03-30T10:21:00.004+08:00

A former drug addict now sound engineer, cinematographer, musician, and a bigger son of a bitch.

You guys haven't felt busy until you've stepped into my world.
BUT! With the power of laughter, booze and intimate activity, nothing is impossible.

On to conquer the next realm!

FTG!!!!!!

2009-02-13T23:38:00.004+08:00

For those of you who know me well enough, you would know what the 3 letters in the title stand for.

So, it's currently February 2009. FEBRUARY TWO THOUSAND AND NINE. And a letter was just posted to my address. The letter came from NLB. National Library Bulimic-skanks.

Basically, the content of the letter was to remind me to pay my accumulated fine that amounts to $1.50.
Date of fine?
5th July 2004.
TWO THOUSAND AND FOUR.

Fellas, PLEASE LAUGH WITH ME, PLEASE?!?!?!?
And after that please feel that disgust with me.

Mat Specimen No. 1

2009-02-09T02:47:00.006+08:00

Stereotype: Mat (mud) - It doesn't matter which term you use, since both are of the same colour and neither has any common sense.

And just for the record, Paint sucks the diarrhoea out of my anus because it makes my wrist hurt.

An Arcane Proclamation

2009-01-08T04:36:00.003+08:00

I argued with the skies, oh how they dared rob your scenic beauty.
I argued with nature, how evolution could have stolen your free spirit and had given it to the birds.
I murdered the flowers when I realised that their soft scent and beauty came from you.
I hated the stars for they contested against each other over their brilliance and lustre which they had stolen from your eyes.
I hated gems, diamonds, and all other precious stones because they disgraced the value of rarity, the rarity of you from any other being on this planet.
I hated music for stealing the rhythm from your heartbeat, and the melody from your sweet voice.
I hated the sun for stealing your energy and getting all the credit, for being hailed as "The Source of Life".

Because you are the source of my life.
Everything this world has, it all came from you.
You are my world, my universe.
Share yourself with me,
your body, soul and love.

And I hate myself, because I stole you from everyone else.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, SINGAPORE!!

2008-12-31T05:26:00.003+08:00

Wow I could not get any more disgusting than that. Probably a zero chance I'll ever say that sincerely. Plus It sounds really gay.

Anyway, to all you guys/girls who have not died from the 9/11 attacks, SARS, AIDS, Tsunami, drink-driving, blowjob-driving, Thailand's terrorist crap, India-Pakistan's pussy arguements, China's melamine milk madness, and for those who still have a healthy anus... Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

2008 has been a very interesting and indelible year for me.
I remember quitting school, and then struggling to get into another school so that I can defer from fucking time-wasting NS. Got rejected by Singapore Poly 3 times. Bunch of ass bitches who worship the laws of Singapore's rule-book.
I've lost some friends, but gained new ones.
I've felt so shit, so lonely, rejected, miserable and low. And I've also felt so loved, so comforted, powerful and accomplished.
Oh thank you Mr. Ups-And-Downs Man!

Dear 2009, let's face our backs towards each other, walk 10steps ahead, turn and fire at each other. Let's see who dies first.

The Justin Curtain

2008-11-25T01:26:00.004+08:00

I smell death.
Oh, please do not take me again.
It was a long struggle to crawl away from despondency and now, like the unforgiving gravity you pull me back.
Or is this all a deceptive measure to get me to understand?
That I'll realise that it is my own mind that has been playing tricks on me.
That there's none that is worth misery but the ones I choose to make myself feel.

Oh wait, I now understand.
I select my own misery.
It is my physical human choice to despair.
It has always been my choice, and thus, my fault.
But wait. What the fuck?
What's going on?
The ground's still getting closer, it's getting closer.

I close my eyes again, and I pray, I rejoice:
Hallelujah.
Hallemotherfuckinglujah.

wah waH wAH WAH!!!

2008-11-19T02:46:00.004+08:00

Today in the showers, two things happened.

1. While I was drying my hair with the towel, I realised that my left hand went faster than my right hand. In fact, they were both so consistent at their own speeds that it created a rhythm whereby the left hand is playing triplets and the right hand, quavers. At about 175bpm if I remember correctly. I thought that was fucking cool really.
2. I wore my pants without wearing my boxers, subconsciously. But then I immediately felt a different sensation on my dick and made amends straight away. It's weird man, it's like I do this everyday but I think this is the 3rd time that I forgot to wear my boxers first.

Which made me wonder, why was underwear invented? Whoever decided that our dangling privates needed support? Who initiated the norm that undergarments serve to preserve the wearer's modesty? How come sial.
One reason I could think of is that this support prevents our privates from being injured. I mean if you were to go for jogs with your dick slinging around and your boobs bouncing about like the way Kobe Bryant handles a basketball, it's gonna be a matter of time before they bounce and sling till they get ripped off from your body.
But still, how did we get enslaved by this tight fitting clout?

Daughter: "Mom, I'm gonna go meet my friend later at 8."
Mom: "Have you worn your bra?"
Daughter: "Yes mom." *brags a sweet smile*

Son: "Mom, my friend's coming over later to play some Warcraft with me."
Mom: "Have you worn your triangles?"
Son: "Yes mom." *beams cute angelic face*

I mean, FUCK! The undergarment industry is taking over our homework! What's gonna be the future of undergarments? Diamond nipple tape and wool condoms? Except I think the condomized-underwear will be called sheaths in the future. Wool sheaths.

Let's go back to point number 1. My two hands wiping at different tempos. Hahaha I bet you guys aren't interested anymore. And I totally destroyed the content flow. Boohoo go cry in your pit of lost dignities.

But back to private part protection. It has clearly become an obsession, just like how drumming is to me. But drumming is way cooler so, screw you all.

Seriously, to the current and future scientists and inventors, please invent something that actually make sense man. Sure, my eyes bleed in excitement to see a hot chick wearing a hot lacey bra. But enough man, this world needs some actual sense.

Invent something smart! Right now you inventors are being dumber than the 4th coating of paint on my HDB flat. Look beyond Obama's black skin and you might actually find your inspiration, your nirvana.

I'm out.

Turmoil 101

2008-10-17T15:50:00.004+08:00

Everday is an ephemeral arousal of hopes and wishes.
I push and I press.
Try then fail.
Because I have to fail. And I've been pre-programmed to keep trying even though I fail.
Tomorrow, I will repeat my palindromic routine.
So as I will the day after.
So as I have to.

This subconscious garble is what people term willpower - it's bullshit.
Time to grow out of your pimply teenage carcass if you're still using the word 'willpower'.
This life has never been one to scrutinize your abilities.
It just loves fucking around with your choices.
It's a life that allows you to select your own options, but yet has consequences that are beyond what you can do to change them.

So hey Justin, you seem to know a lot about life don't you? What do you suggest I do with my own miserable life then?
Well, if it's not yet too serious, you can start off by dosing on crack like how Britney Spears did. Alot of great people used drugs to help improve their lives - Bob Marley, G.W. Bush, Lindsey Lohan, my uncle Bob, your uncle Bob, everybody's uncle Bob, and endless stream of crackwhore uncle Bobs.
I mean, everyone knows that the best way to combat depression and misery is to obtain a surrealistic environment. What better way than drugs? =D

My 8-year-old daughter is getting good grades in school. She tops the class at every test and what you said above is very insensitive and not even close to being helpful.

Huh? What's her bra size?

I beg your pardon?
You know, bitch, if pardons were so easy to beg for, we wouldn't need the electric chairs.

Wow, you are right. Here's the 120 dollars. Thank you for helping me find meaning in my pathetic life! Will back next week for another session!
Ha ha ha ha. It's my pleasure to mislead the retarded. See you next week!

I talk to myself, so that people will think I'm sophisticated.
Is it working?

The Floater

2008-09-14T00:18:00.007+08:00

O, squiggly line in my eye, why do you always escape beyond the periphery of my vision everytime I try to look directly at you?

Your existence possesses a mystery that brings the Milky Way to shame, and allows for it's own fairytale with a summarized moral lesson at the end.

You provide a strange satisfaction to the Curious that seek to understand your purpose and intentions.

Your presence is somewhat intriguing and mystical and fucking irritating at the same time. Sorry man.

So what is your purpose then?

I once thought you were my guardian angel, sent by God to watch over every crap I would do.
Kind of being my guiding light + being God's spy cam. But why the hell are you in the form of a disgusting looking worm?

Later, I decided that maybe you were just a parasite sucking on my cornea. Like an eye-leech or eye-tapeworm or eye-caterpillar. Then I would have to be blind by now.

So my final thoughts were that you were just an illusion. But wait! How can it be that so many people I've talked to has had the same illusion I've been having?

So I made a final finalest theory about you. I decided to term you as a 'mirage' instead of an 'illusion'. Smart aye..

I drink chicken essence everyday and have sex with the glass bottle after. That's why I'm one of the few who can initiate such theories. Such others would be Einstein, Newton, Jay-z, Bob the Builder, and a couple of not-random others.

Here is a screenshot I took of this eye-worm.

O, allegiance of my eye, where do you reside in? My iris? Pupil? Cornea? Potong Pasir? Or are you just one of my dull refracted thoughts? You being in my eye, do you see things the way I do? In its exact colours and dimensions? Do you have an eye?
It seems that you have some sort of pre-thought mobility. Like at a particular moment you decide to have an erection and stand straight up. The next moment you decide to curl up and try to touch your worm toes.
At other times you just look crippled and sad.

Also, how is it that you are able to move so fast? You know you could probably challenge a housefly to see who gets whacked dead first.
And you know, whatever it is you do or whichever kamasutra position you decide to switch to, your movements amaze me more than me being able to write a Chinese essay without using a dictionary.
Respect sia.

You know, right after I wrote all these junk, I went to search on these eye-worms. And I came across this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Floaters.
Which kinda sucks because it totally eradicated all the mystery I used to feel about these worms. (Wikipedia you suck Ronaldinho's teeth!)
But I decided to keep this blog post anyway, just to screw with your precious time =D

Fullstop.

2008-08-14T23:28:00.002+08:00

I wonder how it's like in heaven.

Will I be able to go like: "Eh abu,dil,hel!! Kabo!! KATAI OI!! PENYET OI!!"?
Will I be able to play poker with Jesus?
Can I make racist jokes with Mother Mary?
Can try not to don't want not to cannot?
Nak tanak?
Will I be able to laugh in heaven?

It is said that heaven is pure. And only the pure in body and soul can enter.
It is said that, there is joy of abundance in heaven.

Is it the same kind of joy as sitting down with friends with teh katai, talking about chicks, metal and Shazwan? Can we mosh Feros to death in heaven? Can we mosh with Jesus Christ?
Will I be able to play street soccer with Jesus, Wakwaks and Baracuda? Can I bring my djembe and drumset up to heaven to jam with Jiv and whoever? Can I sing Three Blind Mice in heaven? Will I remember how to sing Three Blind Mice once I'm there? Is there Discovery Channel up there? Do they have internet and Grand Theft Auto there? Will there be free ice milo?

So... what is heaven like then?
Makes you wonder, huh.

You Fucking Bitches, I Have Not Forgotten About Mas Selamat.

2008-08-13T22:26:00.002+08:00

Grant approval to my request
:For it bears no harm
only the mass reduction of population
:For it harbours no grudge
only the despise of human filth

Avenge my torment
No, assuage my suffering
Disaffection, dissatisfaction
A passive whisper of undirectional contorts
Resist truth,
For truth speaks through falsehood
Everything has never been what it seemed
And it never will be.

Take my friends, take my life, take my world away, take the worlds of others' away.
Breed shit, eat shit, discharge shit.
I'll give you a choice: Be dead, or I'll make you dead.
No worries Lee, don't have to show guilt while you're still alive. And carry on never showing guilt when you're dead.
Ah, you as well, my dear world.
You understand so little, compete to achieve hell's hosting.

Hahaz lols kekex nehx xoxo erectile dysfunction.
<3 my flaccid dick, bitch.

The Flora cries, sand begs. The four dimensions provide and we fordo. Inveigh now, or forever hold your peace. Peace meaning death. Death meaning life. In which life holds steadily, inviolable, intolerable of defects. Intolerable of anything intolerable or tolerable.
Life hates itself. Binds itself to santity, sits on a throne, enjoying every crackle of a whiplash.
Want an easy life?
Sure, kill yourself.
If you rearrange the alphabets in 'life', you actually spell out living hell.
If you rearrange the alphabets in 'love', you get supercalifragilisticexpialidocious eclipse.
If you rearrange 'discriminatory coronation of emphathized proletariats', it actually spells 'aku nak buat milo la sial'. Thirsty oi!

So, will anything be done about ourselves?
If you take my milo away, I will attack you.

Some Call It A Fetish. Fuck You.

2008-07-05T03:05:00.012+08:00

Welcome to my private party!

*The melodically erratic screams of My Chemical Romance plays in the background. Waiting in list are more artistes and bands that strive to be equally shit.*

Feel free to help yourselves to the snacks and cordials provided!
Of course, religious practices are of utmost importance and that aspect has already been very well thought out for.
Thus, I have catered for you :
Beef Tail Bee Hoon, Nasi Pork Hoof Penyet and Pre-marriage-created Foetus Briyani. And Milo.
You will find that most of this savoury sinful delights are hardly edible at all, but well, isn't that the whole point of religious practice?

*Door swings open, and 3 more guests (who are late, but forgiven) arrive.*

Ah, take a seat! I was just about to tell the world about you guys!
(I was lying, but if you tell anyone, anyone at all, I will go over and I will play a fucking awful bagpipe tune for you.)

Today, I would like to share with all of you why these three have played a huge role in my life.
You see:

They were there for me when I was brought to existence.
They have allowed me to feel the biting chill of the womb's exit and surgical instruments.
The unbearable heat of fire.
Made me squint at light's intensity.
Made me flinch at sudden audio amplifications.
I endured, and I learnt.

They taught me that comfort would not have been brought about without the aid of discomfort.
They taught Panic when I was choked on breast milk and oatmeal.
Opened my eyes to the shame, embarrassment and disgust towards nudity.
Brought me to a higher level of hurt when I cut myself with the scissors in a game of Rock, Scissors, Paper.
I bled, and I learnt.

They have chasmed in me a crevice that reached into my heart, allowing terror and fright to creep. Bullying and walking in the dark were implemented to ensure a focused learning environment.
Field trips are an important factor in learning through first-hand experiences.
Constantly, they threw me into the deep dark sea. They told me the coordinates of the island and the rest of it was a battle with everything else, even myself.
I cried, and I learnt.

My next lesson was about expectations, dreams, desires.
Satisfaction was forbidden.
Contentment was an illusion to disguise the hurt from failure.
Good will never be good enough.
I pushed, and I learnt.

They have brought jealousy to joy such that smiles will not last.
Caused an extinction to hope.
Menaced the purity of images.
Rewritten the definition of love, though not necessarily re-defining it.
Exhibited the flaws of mankind and humankind.
Brought me to confront the weaknesses of being human beings.
Isolated and distinguished two-faced friendships, and at the same time teaching appreciation and filtration.
Deprived me of loving and of being loved, elucidating my vacuity through my behaviours.
I mourned, and I learnt.

Success comes at a price. It is merely a temporal award to acknowledge your sacrifices.
And these guys have proven it well through the other people they work with.
I have become a fine art through their experimentation
and...
Golly, how rude of me to go on and on,
Where are my manners?

Everybody, these 3 are my friends, my apprentices.
Pain
Suffering &
Destruction.

You all have taught me very well. And the only way I can repay is to introduce you three to others in a constant flux.
And to everyone else, let's get on with the party before the food turns cold!

*Chiongs back to the mic*
Oh yeah, I need a favour from all of you. There is a stack of feedback survey kinda thing placed on the check-in booth and it would do wonders if you could all help me fill that in and err... just drop it into the slotted box that's just beside that stack!

Muchas gracias bitchas!

I Am The Light, And The Darkness

2008-06-24T03:39:00.003+08:00

I am puzzled.

Why does it feel like I'm happy, yet sad?
Why does it seem like I understand, yet am perplexed?
Certain, yet uncertain?

Ah there I go again, listing question after question into my blog posts. All my blog posts have now become somewhat identical to each other that I wouldn't be surprised if they argued among themselves to see which one of them contains more emo-ness.
But I'm afraid that's all I know what to blog about at this period.

Many of us would sometimes experience a day where we feel like crap. We go through in our minds how sucky life is, and how miserable we are. Then we brush it off say, "Ahhh... probably one of those 'days' again."
Well this ain't your fucking menstruation so go fucking stuff a biscuit up your vagina, bitch.
Do something about your life! (Well, 'your' as in generic 'you' and not the you that you identify as the 2nd party you are referring to or your ownself being the readers of this post. So yeah, as I was saying....)
STAND UP AND FIGHT!!!!!!1!!1!111!!!!1!!!111!111!!!!!one!1!!!!

He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

Psalm 91:4-6 NIV (New International Version)

How Now Brown Cow?

2008-05-31T00:13:00.006+08:00

Right now (actually since months ago), asking me about my army enlistment is like asking an AIDS patient when he/she's gonna die.
It's like asking the virgin Mother Mary when she is going to conceive another child.
It's like asking when the next episode of Family Guy is gonna air.

Like.......... how the fuck would I know? It'll come when it comes. You don't fucking ask Jesus Christ when the end of the world is. Imagine 6 billion asking God when that is. You know you'll just make Jesus wanna quit his job and open a bubble tea shop or something.

Now imagine once every few days, some dude or dudette on msn or someone I meet asking me when I'll be enlisted. Shrinking it to the scale of my world does not seem very overwhelming anymore, but hell yeah it is just as annoying.

You know, I've been talking so much about myself being a musician, a perfectionist. But just a few weeks ago, I came to realise that I am far from being anywhere near a musician nor a perfectionist. I have not been living up to my own words nor expectations. Constant mental reminders have silenced me in penitence, yet I've not put effort in making a change for myself, much like how a desert refuses to rain.

I have a problem of making more problems for myself.
Being a proclaimed "perfectionist" - that is one of them. Up till now, I have no qualifications in a minimal music theory grade. No diploma. No other musical qualifications. All that I have left to fall back on right now is my 'O' Level Cert. Sure I'll still be able to live with that, but barely.
Another problem would be that I give myself huge gigantuous goals.
I remember in Secondary 4 before the O Levels, I said this to my mom, "I will give you 'A's for every subject except my Mother Tongue." And I got 24 points for L1R4. And 33 for L1R5.

And I remembered that sometime in Primary School, I promised my mom that I will grow up to be a millionare and I will feed the family and give my each my parents 20% of what I earn. And now I pull a fucking bullshit stunt like withdrawing from Ngee Ann Poly. And for what? To chase a dream blindfolded? Time and again I ask myself, what the fuck am I doing. But I can never find an answer to console myself.
Though I said that millionare thing to my mom in a joking manner (still in primary school then), I meant it down to every letter.

There is a recent HSBC advertisement I think. It goes something like :
Dreams never die.
Goals never die.
Hope never dies.
HSBC never dies.
Some crap like that. Though being a load of pig trash, the words being said in the ad did inspire me a little.

With a situation like mine being half the severity of pessimal, yet with a desire that never slips below an extramundane ardency, I still need a push to set myself back on course.
I need to start working hard.
But my laziness has opened a loophole for me to sometimes doubt this extramundane ardent desire that I keep speaking of.

It's time I did something.

It's time I did something.

A Great Day Today

2008-04-24T00:18:00.010+08:00

Alas!
I feel rekindled...

Never would I have thought that I could feel this way again.

And now, presenting to you fags the amazingly awful pictures from the gig! Please feel free to be disgusted and/or to make fun of the people in the pictures. =)

Those are the individual photos, a pity I couldn't get good pictures of the other 3 members. Next up are the on-stage pictures. And as usual, the drummer's always way at the back, hardly any spotlights, hardly getting any good photo shoots.

This isn't the band, but still..And what do you after a gig??

OF COURSE!! You get your fucking ass wasted on booze at a coffee shop!!!

\m/ \m/

Questioned In Thought

2008-03-30T18:32:00.005+08:00

Putrid sphere!
As petrified sheep you hail
Lest The Clement raises His hand to strike
Invoke divine mercy
Split your wounds, twist a rust blade in
To live is to die
And to be worth the gift of death
Set yourself aflame

Watch you die I shall
Laugh at you I might
Solemnize I could
Forgive you I will

Pain is timeless
In waves of abhorrent motions it ghasts
I run into this wave in fervency
Like crawling through fields of protruding blades and glass shards
Smiling in laceration, so delighted
For wounds hurt, but they heal
Ultimate achievements await!

Mourn no more, creation.
Let yourself not be mere flesh
Dance!
Praise!
Infect the rotting corpses
Inject them anti-death strands
Reshape this pagan world
My wrath, it will transcend
I will freeze time and move ahead

Maha Kali!
Slay the wicked
Slay those who oppose
Slay the fucking whores
Slay!
FUCKING SLAY!!

Feed my soul, trepidation shall pass
My quarry of sin shall be blasted clear
And I will be Your holy temple again, Lord
Let me be your manifest once more

Why am I given life?
Save me...

The Spark, Recedes.

2008-02-24T04:50:00.010+08:00

Some people think that being out of school could be a damn lot of fun. Little do they know how much being out of school makes you feel like shit. How much it makes you feel useless, hopeless. And what twists the knife in the wound is knowing that you are the cause for most of the worries in the family and that you have other siblings who have graduated from a university, who have pretty much a good job and everything else you don't.

We are constantly in a battle with our own emotions, fighting hate, sadness, loneliness (though I guess lonliness is technically not considered an emotion). Time after time, we feel like we're the most unlucky people on Earth, we feel like nobody understands us, and that everything in nature seems to be going against us. Yet 99% of the time,we grief over what we failed to get and we fail to see what's already been given to us.

Look around you now. Your bed, this computer right in front of your eyes. Picture your kitchen, you have a water tap that never fails to provide you with that precious fluid, and that tin of halal pork or beef hell notes you have stocked up somewhere in the cabinet or the fridge. But it seems like these requisites are always taken for granted, and have been taken over by the obsession for wealth and property.
When will this ever end?

Some people say I'm a perfectionist. Some think of my choices as foolish and that they'll never work out. I'm treading on the fine line between inspiration and insanity that it's nowonder people have polarized opinions about me. Right now I fear I might end up being consumed by lunacy from the stress I am giving myself. I also keep having thoughts of an early death from an incurable sickness or disease.
Don't know why.

And you know sometimes when I write these blog entries and I reflect over them, it makes me wonder what my life has installed for me ahead. Makes me wonder what might happen tomorrow, or a week later, or years down. Might I move up society's pyramid and turn into a ghastly lager-licking hobo? Or will I continue living my life kissing the asses wrinkled off the "Lees"? Then again the ageing wrinkles might catch up to them first.

So, for the indefinite numerical figure of an instance, I guess there's nothing much I can do about anything again. Right now, I am just writing without much of a sense of objectivity and ranting too much. I find that I no longer have much to write about since I see no purpose in a life that is pretty much predestined for us. I sure hope I don't become a priest or any of that crap voluntary non-sexual "callings" at the very least.

As much as I like wasting your life reading my blog entries as I like wasting mine on anti-cosmic sperm regeneration, I'd like to end off saying this:

Fuck all of you garbage-eating ministers who emphasize on what you term 'education'.

Goodnight. =)

The Black Plague

2008-01-01T15:51:00.002+08:00

There is an epidemic claiming our country.
An outbreak that must be contained.
An existence that is a felony by itself.

Yesterday, I was walking through Orchard Road: Takashimaya...Cineleisure...Heeren, yeah along there.
Friend number 1 said, "Nabei cheebye, they come our country rape our girls, nabei we have to protect them!"
Friend number 2 said, "Now you know why the police are hired to patrol the streets on New Years Day."
I gave a puzzled look and was hoping he was thinking what I was thinking.
Friend number 2 said, "Banglas."
Friend number 2 is an Indian himself. And hearing that coming out from his own mouth, it makes me feel much easier.

Fucking hell, I got the shock of the century yesterday while I was at Orchard. Flooding the whole town were thousands of banglas. The number I saw in Orchard was a grand times bigger than the number I've seen in my entirely life. Most of them holding cans of party sprays. Running across the junctions raising both hands and shouting. Shouting and shouting. Whistling. And whistling. Spraying at random people. And whistling. And clapping.
Bunch of overgrown unshaved virgin sissies.
I tell you the scene over there was worse than satanic or demonic. It was pure black man, I wanted to kill myself over and over again.

DON"T YOU DARE POINT YOUR FINGER AT ME AND CALL ME A RACIST!
How many times have you actually made fun of them?
(Their colour, oops I meant pigmentation.)
(Their odour, oops I meant... yah odour.)
How many times have you felt uncomfortable in the MRT or bus when a whole bunch of them start flooding in?
Don't have to answer these rhetorical questions. I already know.
Racism exists in all of us. Some mild, some serious, some extreme. Don't bother defending yourselves. We are all racists. Except Pope John Paul II (THE SECOND) (THE I I) (THE EYE EYE). Fuck him.

Of course, let me not fail to mention the idiots of this society. Fucking bengs and lians were spraying shit all over the place also. Osama and Saddam would have done the whole world proud if they had nuked these idiots as well as the bangla infestation. I would have given them a Grammy's Award, an MTV Asia's Award, an Oscar Award and my Napfa Gold Certificate for that.

Sad to say though, these banglas are what build up Singapore. They build our toilets, build our houses, make cement. Our unsung heroes, and we end up making fun of them. Poor them.
If only they were more socially inclined. =D

That was how I spent my new year.
How about you guys? =)

Success Has To Start From Somewhere.

2007-12-19T03:19:00.001+08:00

And it starts with dreaming...

The first band I ever joined was Gorgoroth, a Norwegian black metal band. And I only managed to spell the word right at first shot 1 in 100 times. At 99 other times, I would type it too fast and end up having 'Gorgortoh', which is actually what an abused one-month-old foetus would sound like.

"Gorgortoh! Gorgortoh! I want gay proteins and carbohydrates! Not Alcohol, Opium and cheap viagra!"
- one-month-old foetus on Hey Foetus! Magazine

So yeah, here I was in Gorgortoh(oops!) from 1994-1996 under the stage name of 'Frost', which was pretty impressive because I was only 4 years old then, and I kicked ass while my counterparts were still learning how to count 1+1, which everybody knows is 11.
Duh.
Losers.
Noobs.
There's me on the third from the left:
I finally got pretty pissed with Gaahl because he started killing more people and forcing kids to drink their own blood and every other bodily fluids they excreted - and he did it without me! >:(

Ahhh... I remember the times when Gaahl and I used to run down the fields during a shoot of a Bollywood movie. ~~We'd often found ourselves sitting under that one tree on a cold, dark, frostbitten evening, savouring every drop of the succulent, warm blood, and letting it run down our chests while we laughed.~~
woooooh.. slow down man. I'm glad u didn't see that.

So, I quit, and I went on to join a Swedish black metal band, 'Dark Funeral', from 1996-2000 under the stage name of 'Dominator'.
There I am on the extreme left:

And I know, I did look like I was about to take a shit. I get that all the time... So, at this point of time, I toured so much and I was so good that I paid my dog to do my shows for me while I went to play bumper cars somewhere nearby. So, all those live videos on youtube, sorry to say, you were all fooled, it was my dog dressed up as me with the same corpse paint and all, and playing just as good as I am.

Then one day, my band left on the tour bus with my dog because they thought that it was me. It was a depressing day for me, I lost my band, my job, and my dog.

So I spent the rest of my days walking with my spiked leather boots and corpsepaint and spiked leather arm stuff, and before I knew it, I had walked from Sweden all the way to Poland. And when I reach the borders, I was immediately awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for my walk. Which was pretty outrageous because it had nothing to do with peace at all. But it was cool and ultra-hardcore still.

With the help of Blendtec technology, I got myself a Total Blender (go on to youtube and type 'WILL IT BLEND') and blended my nobel award and then made a new pair of solid drumsticks out of it. And as you can see, the drumstick company, Ahead, stole that idea from me and now makes overpriced aluminium drumsticks for faggots who just can afford it, and just wanna act like a fucking Joey Jordison.

Because of my popularity from the Nobel Peace Prize which I got in Poland, I caught the attention of a Polish black/death metal band, Behemoth. They immediately kicked out their drummer, Winnie the Pooh, and I formally joined the band with a stage name of 'Inferno'.

That's me on the extreme left (again):

And for some strange reason, I decided to dye my hair blonde. I never knew why. Although I do get flashbacks of Nergal hypnotizing me with the song 'Slaves Shall Serve', probably the fastest and one of the most grim songs we've ever recorded, with a tempo of approximately 280 beats per minute. Beat that, Winnie!

Strange though, I've never seem to have lost any lard despite my hyperspeed walk from Sweden to Poland. I'm still a fat bitch in every picture. Oh well, at least I kick ass.

This is the unintelligent result of not sleeping when you're supposed to, and abusing Milo.

Quietus.

2007-12-14T00:58:00.000+08:00

Born to love.

Bred to hate.

Call me, Recruit Lim.

All that I've worked my ass off for, all that I've sweat blood for, all gone to fucking waste.

Enslaved to this country, I've no choice. God teaches love and forgiveness, yet in a few months time, I will be trained to assassinate and eradicate. Thank this world for contradictions.

HAIL MURDER!

HAIL DESTRUCTION!

HAIL MILO!

I now discern life in a new perspective. And I take it on with a new vengeance.

I have made a folly of myself, time and time again. Still, I will do everything in my power to get what I want, folly or no folly.

But, who am I to play God?

In what position am I to decide anything for myself?

Why bother giving me choices then?

The Con-Artist

2007-11-30T01:23:00.000+08:00

I finally realise. My words do not hold meaning. They are no longer worth trusting.
I cannot be trusted anymore.
So many I've hurt but am not able to heal. So many I've lied to but am not able to help recover from.

And apart from that, I've got so much to do. So many people to prove that I'm right, and even more to prove that they are wrong.

But how will that be possible? I speak on the basis of fantasy and wild dreams. How sure am I actually, when I share my dreams and share how I am going to achieve them? How do I convince someone with something I'm not even sure of myself?

I don't know...
I just don't know...

The Bourne Ultimatum.....tum tum tum tumtumtumtumtumtumtum PRRRRUUUUUUUGRUATALATWIEEEE

2007-11-28T02:44:00.001+08:00

I have absolutely no idea why I choose such titles... (shrugs)

......(awkward silence)....................................................(keeping head straight while looking left and right, up and diagonally)......(digs nose and sticks booger under the table).........
Ok I no longer do such stuff.

You know, I've never watched a single sequel of The Bourne Identity, or you know, the other... sequels. But somehow it just feels like the story relates to how my life is - a struggle in search of my true identity, my true purpose for being here. Maybe that's not how the real story goes but how would I know, I've never watched it, damnit.

On the 27th Novenber 2007, at 6pm local time, I officially surrendered my Ngee Ann Polytechnic Student Pass. I'm a Singaporean-nobody now. It won't be long before I receive an enlistment letter to the Camp of Life-destruction. Army is a fucking waste of time, and I've always stood firm to it since I was born.
IT WAS IN THE BREASTMILK, I SWEAR!!!! haha nah, but I've never supported the idea of an army anywhere in this world.
We don't need protection, we need annhialation. Annhialation of wars and hate, that is.

There's no where I can run to. I am like a lab rat when I'm in Singapore. Every male citizen is. We are all monitored and tracked down if needed. If only I had money to fly myself out of Singapore, change my name, citizenship. I hate this army, this country I'm forced to protect.

I know I've never been the apple of anyone's eye, espacially my parents. Well, not that I aim to be one. But it just feels like shit when you're 17, and you are still forced to persue an education certificate. The family's fund are running low and you can't do anything about it. All that's left for you to choose from is a part-time job in which you can hardly support yourself.

All you have are your dreams and desires. Your parents just wished that you had been a teensy weensy brighter. They wished you aced your PSLE, your O Levels.
Not gonna happen, you say. You hold on to this blind faith that never seems to congratulate you. Not ever has it felt that you were doing the right thing, but you persisted on with this faith of yours. Then again, what is doing the right thing?

It won't be long before you have to move to a smaller house, ride a bicycle because you can't afford public transport fares. You and your family will have to suffer all because of what you choose to do, or rather, choose not to do.
"What should I do now?" You question yourself. And you persist on with your dreams and desires.

Occurred to anyone?

What Now?

2007-11-11T01:07:00.000+08:00

In any damn thing you do in Singapore that has ties with education and curriculum, you need official qualifications.

You need a qualification to prove your birth, so that you can enter Nursery level.
You need a qualification to prove that you've been nursed, so that u can enter Kindergarden.
If you want to study in a music course, you need an O level certificate, with a certified number of passed subjects. I might as well dig graves for a living then.

Talents and passion simply isn't enough in Singapore. What justice does it do to me?
All they look for is the 3Rs:
1. Results.
2. Results.
3. Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
sults
How immature.

Every country has its own reputation, its own uniqueness.
You have America for being so filthy rich that they can buy themselves a 100 times as slaves, if only there were 100 of the same individual.
You have Japan for being so cyber/electronically inventive.
You have China for their monks and their stupid Qin Shihuang who failed to burn all the Chinese books.
You have Norway for their metalheads burning down catholic churches.
You have Switzerland for producing high-end quality products for possibly everything in the market - watches, chocolates, beer, etc...
AND you have Singapore for being so kiasu, cheapskate, and have everything charged over-priced, and not to mention this bloody idiotic Singlish accent that we're, in a way, encouraged to develop. Fuck Singapore man.

Seriously, wat the hell is with the damn F1 circuit track and the Integrated Resort? Jack of all trades, master of none? It's so evident that money is the driving factor for our local government. I simply couldn't fucking give two shits if we were the richest country in the world.
"Hey look at me! I'm a rich-assed government and I don't give a shit for a 17-year-old male, 166cm, black-haired, black-eyed, single, non-divorced, non-married striving musician."

This, apparently, is not my country. Thanks alot.
(Hmmm, I think I might get into trouble writing all these, but hell, my life's already screwed.)

Miraculous Works

2007-11-06T00:27:00.001+08:00

Let's go through 4 thought phases.

Thought phase 1: "What the hell?!"
(Slings bag over shoulders. Pulls out earphones.) "Hmm... queer... they aren't connected to shit."
(Gropes bag.) "Hmmm..?"
(Gropes bag again.) "Don't tell me..."
(Gropes bag like it's a naked women, then strips down everything in it and stares all around it like a naked woman's naked girlfriend.) "Son of a bitch!! My Ipod's gone!!"
"Oh well..."

Thought phase 2: "Identify suspect, then fuck him up...real bad."
(In the bus)
No one will escape me. I will hunt him/her down, and make him/her bleed. Head to toe. Hair tip to toe nail. I will kill if necessary. I'm not afraid to kill. In fact, I hope that I can.
Bloodthirsty revenge. It is empowering, it is necessary. I will let no betrayer go without engraving slashes and cuts on his/her flesh.
There's is no forgiveness - death is forgiveness.

Clasp your hands, you sinner. Pray, for you may not ever get the chance to do so again. I know you are only waiting to be caught. You panic, you fear. You will scream when I step in front of you to interrogate you. No fingerprints, nothing to tie anyone to any crime. But I will find you, just like the devil senses a weak soul. You can't hide. The moonlight, my reliable illusionist, will manifest your shadow.
Seek subject. Destroy him/her completely.
You will pay, blood for sin. No compromise.

Instruments of pain:
Screwdriver (check)
Dagger (check)
Hammer (check)
Spiked Wristband (check)
Waffle Iron (uhh... gonna get it from Swee Heng pastry and bakery shop when I have the time)

Thought phase 3: "In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit...Amen."
(Still in bus)
Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned. Forgive me for harbouring curses and revengful thoughts. Forgive me for not abiding by Your Laws. Forgive me for disobeying and disrespecting you. Let me hate no furthur. Secure me with The Message of peace.
Forgive that fellow being for he/she does not know of his/her faults. And please have that fellow being forgive me for wanting to harm him/her. Deliver me to Your Kingdom and let not hell and diabolical methods consume me. Amen.

Ah bitch... gonna be shit-ass boring for a few months. No more air-drumming in the bus or wherever. No more air-guitaring. No more double pedaling in the bus. No more headbanging senselessly. Dear Music... you will be missed, dearly and musically. Redundancy at its most idiotic =D

By the way, this damn cat is supposed to have its head bobbing up and down. Freaking amazing shit. Too bad blogger fucked up this .gif picture and froze it instead.

Oh well again...

Thought phase 4: "lalalalalaaaa...WhistleWhistleWhistle... scratches ass...lalalalalaaaaa...WhistleWhistleWhistle"

(Opened up Google, typed in Ipod, click on the first link, was directed to apple.com, checked out stuff there)

Wow! Ipod Touch. Nabei! Such a beatiful creation. Splendid concept of technicality and simplicity infused into a hand-held device. Flawless design. Superb workmanship. I must get it! All I have to do, is to save up $50 a month, for 8 friggin months! How exciting... bloody hell. I'd rather nail my testicles than to wait that long. No actually I'd rather wait. =D

Oh well yet again...

(Opened up blogger, wanted to blog about this shit, and just when I did, I got a phone call)

Great fella, admitted to the wrongdoings and is gonna return me my Ipod tomorrow. =) I have to apologise for the previous curses.

Moral of this African's dick-long horse-shit story?

Be gracious and graciousness will be shown on you.

Show mercy and mercy will be shown on you.

Forgive and be forgiven.

God is great.

Faith.

Coffee beans are actually cherries, not beans.

Peanut oil tastes like fucking crap.

Goodnight.

So Anyway...

2007-10-15T20:25:00.000+08:00

(Long post btw, go bore yourself out if you want to)

Fellow readers, you might all be pondering over why I wrote two entries for today.
No, I am not trying to boost the number of blog entries just to keep my blog updated.
Yes, I wrote the earlier entry in a fit of rage over the loss of my precious hair.
No, I am not a fag.
Yes, my hair is like one half of an iron maiden now.

By the way, let me explain what an iron maiden is. It is not only a name of a british heavy metal band, it is also a torture/punishment device.
In the past, there was a certain death sentence for prisoners by using the iron maiden. So what happens is that the prisoner(I sure wished it was the damn bitch who cut my hair) is trapped in a room where there are 2 walls which are seductively decorated with flesh-piercing spikes. And these walls slowly converge inwards where the prisoner is trapped in and, poor fella, he get's impaled by the spikes and then gets squished like a swatter smashing a housefly.
It's pretty insulting actually, the fella already dies from being stabbed by spikes, and just for the fun of it, he gets flattened.

So anyway, the reason I wrote another entry was because the previous one had a pretty decent serving of vulgarities which would probably have taken a pretty huge amount of attention away from what I had intended to write initially. (Not the iron maiden part) That's why I seperated my article.

So... First day of Second semester in Ngee Ann Poly.
Lessons from 8am till 12pm. Then at 1pm-4pm.
At 12pm:
Justin says "Hey wat lessons do you have in the afternoon?"
Friend says "Hah? where got lesson, go home ah!"
Justin says "What?! I have engineering mechanics lesson later!"
Friend says "That one last sem module right? eh, how many modules u repeat?"
Justin says "Uh, 3"
Friend says "Cheebye, see la now u suffer."

A delightful conversation as you can see. But it finally got to my attention that I was suffering. Be it suffering academically, financially, spiritually, musically, physically, socially, etc... All this while I have been walking in a happy-go-lucky fashion, thinking that things will just fall into place as long as I don't commit suicide. But I continued to suffer.

Then I was thinking, 'wait a second, I AM putting in effort.'...............'well ok fine, miniscule in studies and massively in music - drumming, etc.'
Studying Electrical and Computer Engineering and channelling my efforts into music. Not exactly a bright move.

Doing music in Singapore will always be political wrong as far as having a career and a stable income is concerned. I will always be pinned down by the infinite debate against acheiving a status through music. But I will only have one opposing sentence - I just want to be a musician.

Being in this shit course in NP is already the first inimical obstacle against achieving my goal. I do believe that it is by God's Will that I managed to graduate from secondary school with terrible results and to barely make it into poly. But it's all very confusing and contradicting. Should I play safe just to ensure I get a stable income, only to be haunted daily in future on why I had not dared try to be a musician.

Or should I continue with this politically wrong attitude of earning a living? And if I do that, will I make it?
And if I stick to His Will, would I have gone against not beliving in myself in being a musician and hence causing my own drudgery of being an engineer, or watever it is as long as it isn't being a musician?

So how is it that God already decides our life, yet answers all our prayers in a way He sees more benificial for us. That wouldn't exactly be answering our prayers, would it?

The universal law of balance. Like I've said in entries before, to spend time studying would be to waste time in progressing a another step towards being a musician.
This can be such an extremely vicious law sometimes. Remember it, respect it, and appreciate it.

The thing is, the questions above will never be answered till I've reached that point of my life. I guess I will have to find my way through, with guidance from above, of course.

All of us were born as creative beings. In fact, a child uses 80% of its creativity in doing whatever it does, playing, eating etc, whereas an adult uses only 20% creativity. Look at what education has caused us to become. Implementing a higher emphasis on logic rather than creative thinking. Without the right brain, we would all literally go insane from tons of excessive info.

Again, HOW HOW HOW? Turn left or turn right? Engineer or.. you know what.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel - TAKE OFF THAT DAMN WIG!!!

2007-10-15T19:28:00.000+08:00

"So, what's the problem?" You may ask.

I GOT A FUCKING SHIT $10 HAIRCUT FROM THAT FUCKING WHORE WITH A MOLE ON HER BULLDOG FACE.
So much for being "trained overseas". How do they train you bitches? To trim bushes and hedges with a chainsaw?

That damn bitch don't know shit about hairstyles.
I said................SPIKE.
And not........... CUT MY HAIR SO FUCKING SHORT SUCH THAT IT SPIKES NATURALLY CUZ IT"S SO FUCKING SHORT.

That damn bitch cut my hair as if she was the champion from StreetFighters9. She sliced through my scalp with the stupid comb. And after she was done with the haircut, she had a world of fun with that vacuum thing. And you know that the vacuum head has those bristles shit. Mind you, they don't feel like soft feathers tingling on your skin at all.

It was FUCKING PAINFUL. She literally scraped through my scalp to clear the 80% hair she had cut away from my chinese head. And it also felt like she was trying to bulldoze and suck away the remaining hair I had left. And she was probably dreaming about being a saleswoman trying to promote that vacuum shit, because I swear for that split second, she got my head sucked and stucked to the vacuum which she then yanked the vacuum away from.

One thing's for sure though, I can be sure that my head's free from dandruff. So guys, no need for expensive shampoos! All you need is a $10 bill at hand, make your way to the professional barber/saloon at the basement floor of Bukit Panjang Plaza, and get your hair cut by that bitch. You'll see and feel the difference immediately!

And for you guys who've seen me, you all know that when I have little hair, my scalp shows and I will look equivalant to a baldy. It's not exactly because of the hair amount. Well maybe a little. But it's more of the density of hair I have. It's so shamefully sparse like the number of Indians you can find in fucking China, a.k.a motherland of the yellow-skin men.

When I had longer hair, it was too long for me to spike it, but too short for it to be considered long. And it made me look extremely asian-chinese. And thanks to that bitch, I now look like an extremely grotesque asian-chinese-nerd rapist. She probably had never gone to kindergarden to learn how to cut squares and circles and stick them on another piece of paper.

Damn bitch. I hope she gets raped by a hairy, sweaty, body-odoured, bad-breathed(adjective, not verb), erectile dysfunctioned, syphillis and gonorrhoea-infected, drooling black man.

May the Lord forgive me for what I've mentioned above. But I'm still not taking my words back. =D
Damn bitch.

Virulent Subsistence

2007-09-14T01:53:00.001+08:00

The more I see, the less I believe.
The more I hear, the less I care.

Terminate my desires. Dispel what I've lived to build. Contort that which had not paid off.
But you are wrong. Because, everything pays off. Everything.

This world, this life which has forcefully been given, has much to be in contempt with. This ordeal, it mocks me. It brings me shame and distrust. I disgust at its perverseness, yet embrace it with a smile and appreciate it.

I will no longer suffocate myself in this incarnadine mausoleum. When tripped, I will not fall. Not one ear will be left out of news of my ascension.

Humble yourselves! Sedate all which gives haste and worry!

Patience child,
Your burden will soon be over...

Then He spoke a parable to them, that men always ought to pray and not lose heart,
He said, "The things which are impossible with men are possible with God."
Luke 18:1,27 New King James Version

The Perpetual Ringing Noise

2007-08-05T16:21:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, the breeze smells so pleasant, embalmed with a hint of pure, sweet freshness underneath.

Suddenly, the sunshine-luminated morning designs on the outside of my window is panoramicaly reflected into my eyes with a perfect blend of vibrant, rich colours.
Suddenly, that which is consumed for nourishment and for the favour of satiety brings about an arousal of sensual contentment as it dissolves on the surface of my tongue.

Suddenly, everything that can be felt feels so wonderful that it can be felt.

I'm losing my sense of hearing. I'm becoming hearing impaired.

I'M GONNA BECOME DEAF, DAMN IT. And it's no fucking joke.

What will be of my future career? Famous deaf musician? Or just a deaf pile of Chinese shit. Honestly I don't know if what I'm facing now is temporary or not. My hearing is probably 1/3 gone right now. Feels like the thickest, most dense piece of earwax is clogging it. But yet there's a ringing sound that seems to penetrate through that rubble of metaphorical earwax.

So, what if this vitiating impairment is permanent, and still continuing in detioration till absolute deafness?

To think that the music I so dearly appreciate will no longer be able to be appreciated.

To think that I will not be able to listen to the melodies of which I will compose.

To think that everything which I had already precisely planned for my musical career will come to a standstill.

I will not be able to define the notes on a keyboard. I will not be able to continue learning my drumming through songs I hear or through videos of which drummers will seem to exercise their mouths without a word to be heard. I will see movement of the drumsticks without being able to hear them being in contact with the drum skins. I will no longer be able to recognize pitch differences while playing different frequencies on the trumpet.

I will no longer be able to enjoy music.

I will then only have to rely on love and to continue walking in blind faith.

Time to pick up a new profession! =D

Ding boom taka allegro roll F# stacca crEEECENDO 6/8?

2007-07-17T01:09:00.000+08:00

It's pretty amazing the kind of thoughts one's brain can compose during a nice hot shower.

What if music, profound and expressive as it already is, could be turned into a spoken language, or a way of life? Words changed to hums of melody. Letters changed to note values. Sleeping becomes a few bars of rests. Expressing anger would be to chant 'accent' and all kinds of strange diminished minor chords. Excitement would bring out staccatos. Every step you take has a rhythmic tap to it. Vocabulary words would be like sight-reading syncopated triplets in changing compound time signatures at each bar in a G# minor key. A certain drumming pattern could be deciphered by a muscian's understanding as, "Hey let's go have some mee goreng ayam sambal susu lebih lebih". Playing music on an instrument would work so much like telepathy, comprehensible only to another fellow musician.

A language of our own. Imagine that...

I feel very queer today. Very weak. It feels like the next time I close my eyes and doze off to sleep, I will never wake up again. I really feel dead. But of course, the nauseating reality is that I'll wake up at 8am again the following day and prepare to attend another couple of wasted hours of what the government labels as "education". Yet another reverted step from being a musician.

I dread this situation. It's like you train so hard to ace the NAPFA 2.4km run, and on the actual day, the gun fires, BANG! You ran like never before in your life. You sprinted like you were bred to do so! But... you were sprinting backwards probably up till some cliffside waterfall and for some reason you were so dumb as to not stop and you end up falling down the waterfall and killing yourself.

Again, I dread this so so much. Maybe I might turn out to become like this dude here in The Colombine High School Massacre,

but end up pulling out a pair of drumsticks twirling it and making gun-fire noises and getting slapped by the teacher and being forced to sit down and shut up again.

I feel so much joy when I'm on stage performing. And I know that is what I want to do for life.

Despair not, Young Blood

For you are not alone

And the world will know of you

And the wonders you did

All for the name of music

An Institution of Dilemma

2007-06-26T01:24:00.000+08:00

Everyday is a day of dilemma, a day of evasive sacrifices.

To spend five minutes on an algebraic sum, is to sacrifice five minutes of practicing on the drumset.
To spend one hour on a lesson of Electrical Engineering theories and formula(e), is to sacrifice an hour of practicing techniques on the trumpet.
To waste half an hour thinking through project work, is to sacrifice a semi-hour composing music.
To spend $2.50 on a plate of kuay teow with no cockles with extra chilli and extra "TAU IU (dark sauce, i think.)", is to have sacrificed $2.50 on a bowl of mee soto.
To fucking spend hundreds and thosands and possibly hundreds OF thousands OF hundred thousands on cosmetics, jewelry, excessive clothing that is only worn probably two times in a year and then donated to a lard-consuming tribe in Africa or unnecessarily kept aside nicely just because it was bought at a profound nature of choice due to it's captivating sight along with a high price that accompanies with it, is to have worthlessly sacrificed it for my musical development, such as posting me to a music school, getting me instruments, subsidising for musical courses and investments.

It is clear and simple - I want to be a musician. I'm pointed towards embarking on a journey that is timeless just as it us universal. My behaviour has been evident. Yet in the parental spectrum of prerequisition, my extramundane-ardent(my blog link, HEHE!) pursuit in a musical career has been so diluted as to be impossible of clear definition.
I have laboured to no purpose, spent my strength in vain, and yet not harboured desirable favours.

Leave it up to God, as people say.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 King James Version

Back To The Ol' Days

2007-05-27T02:55:00.000+08:00

School school school.
Work work work.
Study study study.
Busy busy busy.

It's only six weeks into poly and I'm already scrambling to piece back together what's left of my life.
Wait... Do I even have a life?

Feels like I'm back in primary and secondary school. Waking up to go to school everyday, taking the same bus, walking the same route, taking exams, worrying about school work, drinking that same milo that just fills up my heart, replenishes my soul, giving me that better start that day. It's just the same in poly; only tenfold. Well, actually it is only mine that is tenfold.
I wonder who the lard started saying "Hey man, it's really slack in poly, you don't have to worry about a thing in there."

Fuck him/her.

I feel so much like a pawn on a chess set. All I have to do is wait for the Supreme to make me move a step at a time, either to annihialate the opponent's king or to use me as a distraction. It just feels like my palindromic life revolves around this metaphorical chess set. Like I've been assigned to maunder in the direction of studying and trying to make money and carrying on my bloodline. Such a routine... such a dumb routine.

Luckily, I have my friends to help my get the day through - my fellow pawns. =D

Damn, why did those dumblard gamers start using pawn? Like, I PAWNED you in CS. Doesn't that sound freaking dumb? And they even drag the word in emphasis to show their superiority. Like this, "I PAAAWWWWWWNED YOU". It's like some street dog that just felt like using a new word and trying to popularize it to show how smart and original he/she is in making the word relavant for daily usage.

Let me try and be smart too! =D
.
.
.
.
.
I VAGINATED YOU NOOB!!!!!@)(!&#!)&

Now before I get on to how dumb ahbenglians are to lengthen, extend and elongate the casual words they type which eternally seems to stretch beyond their perpetual stupidity, or when they unnecessarily capitalize or swap certain letters with similarly-sounding symbols or letters like it's so bloody hip and cool, I'd better end my blog entry.

So basically in a nutshell, I'm a hell'uva busy person now and I'm rather annoyed that I don't have time to practice my drumming and stuff like that.

Smell ya lards later! (Oh look! Justin is trying to be smart again!)

CHING CHING CHING CHING CHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Satan Clause Is Coming To Town

2007-04-24T19:52:00.000+08:00

You Better Watch Out
You Better Not Cry
Better Not Pout I'm Telling You Why
Sa_ _ _ Clause is Coming To Town.

If anyone had noticed, 'Santa' is 'Satan' rearranged. Doesn't that bring a new meaning to singing Christmas carols. =)
Seems like a hint if you ask me. The sign of a ceaseless charade of hate and evil within the confinment of this planet which we were made to live in.

I just feel like I stink, reeking of sin, guilt, temptation and everything nugatory. I guess it's just something I brought along with me as I grew up.

As a young boy, I used to be hot-tempered and rash. I would insult and assault those who annoyed me. Even friends who were much larger than me and could easily squash me would keep their distance from me.

As for now, I'm more peaceful and I've almost never touched anyone at all in a fit of anger. Or so my physical outlook portrays. But it has its own set of drawbacks. For you see, assaulting people releases all the anger and tension in every fibre of every muslce I have. But by absorbing all my anger now, extremely sadistic and diabolical thoughts start to curse all my thoughts. Everyone in my mind who has pissed me off would end up dead ; a very very tragic and gory death. It's just a matter of time before my exigent self implodes, having my name branded on every headline of every published newspapers in the world.

Earlier on, I had decided to list the details of all my thoughts, methods, weapons, etc.. but they wouldn't be very pleasant to read and picture about. I can guarantee that if I had catalogued the details, most of you readers would be so horrified you couldn't sleep. Guaranteed extreme dosage of disturbance. GUARANTEE PLUS CHOP PLUS SIGNATURE PLUS APPROVAL PLUS CO.... diam la.

OK ENOUGH WITH MY DARK SIDE!

Procrastination! - how dangerous it has been to me, and still is to me damn it lard fart.

"Begin now, not tomorrow, not next week, but today.
Seize the moment and make this day count.
Remember, yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come."
-Ellen Kreidman

What You Want Isn't Always What You Get

2007-03-03T02:40:00.000+08:00

Many people ask me:

"So Justin, where do you want to go next? Which (tertiary)school do you want to go to? Which course(if poly) do you want to take?"

The only reply I gave was an apathetic silence. Ignorance.

Why? Because where I want to go is no longer a choice of whether I want or not. The direction in life I had planned for myself is foiled by all the bloody nonsense academics shit which doesn't even have anything to do with my profession, ambition, aspirations, nor my direction in life.

I thank all of you ministers for GUARANTEEING EACH AND EVERY SINGAPOREAN INDIVIDUAL A BETTER LIFE FOR THIER FUTURE. Har har, what a joke you lards in white.
Music IS my life, nay, my future. Or at least it is my future plan. Till...

Today - school and course postage results, a.k.a, Conspiracy Day

Ngee Ann Polytechnic
Electrical and Computer Technology
(just in case any of you lard-warts were curious)

It really feels like I'm sliding retrally from my goal. As if heaven is pulling itself further and further away from Mother Earth.

Who should I stand up against? To whom should I plead to for reprieve? It is and never will be the will of mine but of the Omniscient.

Three cheers for suffering.

Scribing Understanding

2007-02-22T02:59:00.000+08:00

"Turn off the lights if you're not using it!"
"Why do you want to buy more clothes when you already have a billion in your closet?!?!"
"Your phone is working fine! Why do you want to buy a new one for?"
"I better not see another handphone bill boom next month or you're grounded!"

I finally understand what mom and dad are going through.

After going through two months of casual labour, I have noticed a change of mindset in myself. I've leaned towards protecting my wealth, for good cause of course, like future school fees or license fees and stuff like that. I'm not into prostitution if that's what you're thinking. Assmoles.
New thoughts start engraving my mind :
"Do I really need this item?"
"Am I sustaining my revenue well enough to afford this item?"
and no longer "I WANT I WANT!!!"

All this while, our moms and dads have been teaching us the art of conservancy for their sakes as well as ours. Yes, it is an art, formed through discipline and pragmatism. And no, it is not a selfish act.
Day after day, I'm tempted to spend just for pleasure. Like that curry puff on the Old Chang Kee shelf. Or some Mc'Donald's fries. Or that pantyhose on 50% valentine's discount.

Working isn't just about standing around for an hour and earning 5.50. It isn't about sitting in front of a PC typing some gregorian language and sipping free coffee + free milk + free sugar from the free cups and stirring with a free plastic stirrer.
Working involves slavery, drugery, overuse, abuse, insults, assaults, compromise, concession.
Or at least that's the life of a waiter working part-time.

Mommy/Daddy's nagging at us for the benefit of ourselves, that we will come to realise the importance of the basis of what sustains each of our physical lives.

Heed them, please.

(And pardon me, I don't mean to make my posts more boring than they already are)

Prevention Is Better Than Cure

2007-01-06T21:53:00.000+08:00

I suddenly had a pounding thought.

Many of us aren't happy with the way we look. We aren't satisfied with some additional skills we possess; my drumming for example, and we pray and we beg God to make us more good looking, more skillful, and to smell like Michael Jordan's fat sister. Now, being the way we are and looking the way we are, we are already such terrible sinners. We make crude remarks about others. We speak falsely of others, we speak bad things about them, we perform tons of acts which are intrinsically disordered.

Now, imagine if God had given us what we wanted. Imagine how much more we would have sinned. Imagine how much more burden God has to carry because of each of us 6.4 billion lard-headed fools who pray to be better looking or richer, smarter, etc.

I suppose this is God's way of protecting us lards from the Evil One, for our sake, and for the sake of Himself. I guess it is only when we have developed a strong sense of righteousness that God will be more convinced to release to us the requests which we claim to so fervently pray for.

So for those who have been feeling like bowel wastes, maybe it's time we re-compose our prayers.

And for you guys who gloat over your excessively huge organ, here's a biological fun-fact for you!
Relative to its size, the barnacle has the largest penis in the world!
So if you think having your huge doodoos makes you more manly, ahem, sorry barnacle-heads. =D

Long-Winded Me

2006-12-14T19:18:00.000+08:00

I find that my blog is full of verbiage, and it's pretty demoralising.
Enough said.

I Am A Changed Man! ........Am I?

2006-12-06T21:04:00.001+08:00

I've just been through 3 days of Comfirmation camp, and a celebration of my Comfirmation the day after during mass.

Confirmation, if you readers don't know, is a rite administered to baptized Catholics as a sacrament for confirming and strengthening the recipient in the Catholic faith and to admit full communion with the Church. It also marks the completion of Baptism, a sacrament which would be consecrated to most Catholics 2 months after we were born.

Now, with that in mind, you readers must think that I've transformed into some kind of holy lard.
Honestly, I don't know what I am feeling myself. The facilitators of my group told all of us that, we may not feel a change now, but we will definitely see it take place gradually when we reach home after the camp.
Well, here I am...home...trying to look out for what exactly has changed.

A part of me is feeling doubtful of my own participation during the camp and thinking that that is the cause of the spiritually-inert state at home right now.
On the other hand, I know that I should devote my full trust to the Lord and understand that things are taking place, just that I don't feel or see it yet.
I'm stuck in the middle.

And just to augment my already-troubled mind, I just missed mass today and I feel like a sinful piece of lard. Talk about full devotion. Sheesh...

I have many friends who go through multitudinous adversities of very immense agony. Many who, because of such adversities, fall into decadence. And many times when I talk to them, I find that they actually know what they should do. They have their own array of decisions from which they know which is right to pick, and they know that they have to turn to God.
But yet, with the knowledge that they have, they can't seem to execute their decisions.
For some, it is the willingness of the mind. For others, it is the perverseness of choice. Poignant as they are, understandably, it is mentally and spiritually demanding.

As the saying goes : Your attitude determines your altitude.
How eager we are to change for what we think is better will determine how we will turn out to be. Congruently, our faith is also determined by how much we are willing to trust God.

Also, many times we question the credibility of God's power and love.
"Why does it have to happen to me? Why?"

There is a scripture in the Bible that talks about Jesus healing a blind man. Of course, there are many instances in the Bible when Jesus healed blind people. To avoid confusion, what I'm talking about is in John chapter 9.

Briefly, the scripture says that Jesus saw a man who was born blind. His disciples then questioned Jesus about what the man had done that caused him to be born blind. Was it his own sins or the sins of his parents?
Jesus answered : "His blindness has nothing to do with his sins or his parents' sins. He is blind so that God's power might be seen at work in him."

With this, I think that it is pretty self-explanatory to the constant cesspool of questioning and opposing as to why we are being chosen to bear certain sufferings.

By the way, Baygon owns!
Baygon - Imiprothrin 0.050% w/w
Cyfluthrin 0.015% w/w
Inert ingredients: 99.935% w/w

I did a research and found that Baygon will attack the nervous system of the victim. And best of all, there are no signs that the chemicals in Baygon will promote any genetic mutation. Which means to say, IT'S AWESOME AGAINST COCKROACHES! And they will never mutate to becoming unaffected by the chemicals! Or maybe not yet until a hundred years later, by which I would already be dead then =D and that scientists would discover that lard is far much more effective than imiprothrin or cyfluthrin.
Who knows?

I just wish I could have my dear friend to join me in the battle against these living visible devilish cockroaches.

BOM TAK BOM TAK TAK TAK TAK TAK TAK!!

2006-11-24T22:19:00.000+08:00

I thought that this cessation of secondary school education will allow me to start rejuvenating my fatigue mind. But instead, I now have a brand new package of problems. My mind's in a massive turbid messy furball state.

I'll list them down so that I can refer back to them and use them as part of goal setting construction. =D

I'm supposed to have more time and energy to practice drumming. But time and again, if it isn't the laziess that takes me out, I would have some other plans that would interrupt with my practice time. I wouldn't dare to exceed 1 hour of practice at any day because I don't want to start pissing my neighbours off. Also, my dad's working night shift so he usually sleeps through the day. I don't feel good disturbing him like that. And to add on to these, I'm getting a job soon and it'll severely alter my practice agenda.

I HAVE to get a job because I've been in debt of 700 bucks for my Iron Cobra Double Pedals (drum stuff). And I just took out 1300 bucks which was meant to be used for buying clothes for Prom Night and electronic stuff and more drum stuff. So, 2000 bucks. Turns out that I didn't get shit for Prom, but instead, bought tons of Creative goods. Damn it! I've broken my oath against purchasing Creative items.
The bloody job interview keeps getting postponed and it's pissing me off. Friends turn back on each other regarding these job application stuff. Every man for himself, dog-eat-dog, secretive whispering. Such friends we have.

And because of vanity, I've been working out like a Prisoner-of-War. It's strenuous. It's unforgiving. It takes up alot of time, commitment, willpower, determination, perseverance, etc. And now, all those hanging out with friends has halted my mood to work out. Just when I started to feel results, this had to happen. I feel like I'm a walking blot of lard. Lard it man.

I need to practice my trumpet stuff for an upcoming concert on 10th December 2006. I find it hard to catch up with those other trumpeters that sit beside me in the studio. I'm actually pretty stressed out by it.
All of a sudden, mom prompts to take me to the dentist to pull out my teeth in preparation for putting on braces. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DONE MONTHS AGO!
If I put on braces now, I might have to drop out of this concert because I may not be able to get used to the metals and the pain. I don't want to do that because I dropped out of a concert performance last year too, and it made me hang my head in shame.
If I don't put on braces now, I might keep dragging and dragging it and I might have to wear it for a longer period of time.

Though it doesn't seem like much, it constantly rumbles inside head.
Well, this entry looks like a waste of blog space, I just realised. Bah whatever, I've already typed them out.

WAH WASTE SPACE!! STUPID POST!! I'M BLOGGING IN SUCH A STUPID WAY ALSO!!

Aftermath of 'O' Levels

2006-11-22T02:02:00.000+08:00

I know this picture doesn't exactly have to do with the emotion 'regret'. But it gives me a sense of longing when I look at it. Kind of how I'm feeling apart from regret.

O Levels are definitely over, but the residue of it still lingers in my mind. I can't seem to shake off my worry over the results and just live with this temporal freedom till I collect my results and get posted to a tertiary school.

Though I can't read the future, I know that I'm going to be eyeing grades which destitude me from entering a good school, or into a polytechnic course I desire.
I know that I'm going to have crap results because I did not study enough. I know that I did not study enough because of certain reason which I will not mentioned for fear of judgmental attacks on myself.

But I don't know if these reasons are valid, mere excuses or the Will of God.

I know that the results and the choices I make will determine the path in my life. I find it pressurizing to try to appreciate that it is really the Will of God that my results will be what they are because of my reasons. But if I choose to think that these reasons are just a jumble of excuses to cover up my weakness, I will very much regret that I had been thinking this way and had always used these 'reasons' to eclipse my refusal or inability to study. The question is whether these reasons are valid or obsolete. I find it terribly puzzling.

Let's not talk about about going to prison. I already consider the O Levels a death by decree. Having to face such a multitude of negative emotions at such an age can be pretty tormenting. Well, it can be tormenting to anyone at any age I guess. Then again, I should be feeling lucky that I am not living on the verge of death. I suppose this is a blissful experience as compared to the kind of shit and lard those poor people around the world would encounter everyday. I just hope all goes well, both for me and those people living in poverty (Of course, family and friends included).

There are many things in life in which you wish you could take back or change.
Unless the time machine is invented, live with it.

A Symphony Of Diminution

2006-11-18T23:47:00.000+08:00

Throughout the whole of the 'O'Levels, I felt as if I was attempting to take a whack of climbing Mount Everest without bringing any food stocks with me, or rushing to the mall to stock up at the last minute (and end up buying inappropriate items), or not carrying a bagpack large enough to fit my stocks.

And now, I'm the one who's whacked.

Well in case nobody understands what I'm trying to say, the metaphorical paragraph meant that I was studying at the 11th hour, not studying at all, studying the inert and unimportant topics, and having a memory of a goldfish.

Here are some amazing and commonly known facts!
1. A goldfish has a memory span of 3 seconds.
2. Every 3 seconds, a child dies in the world.
3. A new lawsuit is filed every 3 seconds in America.
4. If I were to slap you right in front of you, and it took you 3 seconds before u said "Dude! Did u see that fly that hit my face?", you would be so amazingly stupid, that I would slap you again =D, and I'll be the first person in the world to inflict mental retardation with a Buddhist Palm to the face.

By the way, I find that my blog is always in doldrums due to my logy attitude. To compensate for that, I'll write longer posts, whether you readers like it or not, until I'm satisfied. heh heh heh.......

Behold, the embarkation of the extension of my blog entries.

Awhile ago, I was engaging myself in a frolic lavatory offering. Just then, an evil, merciless, black, aerial, blood sucking organism was hovering within the concealed premises. So much for discretion while I'm taking a crap.
Aware of its malefic intentions, I raised my arms, poised in the position of a black-belt master. With my informal training in martial arts, I swiped, I swooshed, I swatted. I was only limited to short-ranged, upper body attacks.

Finally, with my acute precision, I impelled with my Tiger Claw at a velocity of 4 times the speed of a snake's strike. Like a damaged helicopter, the organism that took a beating from me, spiraled into the watery graves in the tub.
As I bent down to have a closer look and also to scoop it out, it was all of a suddenly brought back to life! And it was once again preparing for the right timing, while I was being distracted, to lauch a blood-drawing attack. Did the laws of Nature and Physics suddenly go wrong?
That sly mosquito caught me offguard and I was taken aback by its deceptive but realistic feign of death. Impressive, but annoying since it's not a good thing. Well I killed that piece of lard in the end anyway.

Mosquitos have evolved into very smart and intelligent creatures. But I have not. As if under-performing for O levels and being a burden to the family isn't enough, I'm now getting mocked at and deceived by NON-HUMANS. A meagre mosquito. What an embarrassing thought. I GOT OWNED BY A MOSQUITO! haha

Speaking of being a burden, this has always been how I've been feeling and feeling how I've been treated over my whole life. Being a clumsy person who's lacking in talent and intelligence thereof, I was often distrusted, and at times disrespected. I was always given hand-me-downs from my other siblings. I was never lent an item without their constant fear of me breaking it. I couldn't buy things like clothes without their oppressing reluctance.

When asked if I could get new clothes for Prom Night, my mom was super hesitant.
Why don't you wear what you have? You have so many clothes anyway. (do i really?)
Do you want to try on your brother's suit? Maybe it can fit you.
Do you want to try on your dad's suit?
Can you go to G2000 to buy your suit? It's not so expensive there.
Don't go to Bugis or Paragon, it's very expensive.
Bargain bargain bargain, as if she takes me for some cheap piece of lard.
Of course, I understand that the importance of a person is not measured by what one wears or spends on. And I also understand that we're not some rich bastards who dig gold out of our own nostrils. We are getting poorer by the day because of dad's retirement from his old job and his current low-paying job. That I understand too.

It's frustrating when people don't practice what they preach and yet expect so much out of those they preach to. Why is it that they can purchase so many expensive sets of clothings to wear during my sister's wedding, while they merely rented me a blazer that didn't even match the only pair of pants I had? I did not complain. I did not question.

Now Prom Night being my event, mom's still so reluctant in letting me buy a suit of my choice. It won't make sense to say that it's okay to spend a colossal amount of money on clothes just because you are attending a wedding and you can't do the same just because you are attending a Secondary Four Prom Night, which isn't as important as a wedding.
Why doesn't it make sense when it seems like it does? This is because both scenarios point to the same thing - vanity.

Vanity doesn't have to totally be a bad thing actually. Assuming that mom factored in our family's financial issues, she should also have been reluctant towards my siblings, my dad and herself about unnecessarily buying new clothes just to wear during the wedding, and not just towards me. It all points to selfishness and greed. I don't want to buy new clothes to intentionally go against mom. It isn't an issue about revenge of any sort but of principles. And yes, I am contradicting myself when I talk about principles, but yet insist on buying myself a new suit. In the end, mom gave me 300 bucks to spend. I'll treat this issue as a debt in which I'll repay when I've earned enough through my job. At least it'll assuage my guilt.

It really feels like a lose-lose situation. I've gone against the principles that I've talked about and I feel guilty that mom had to give in to my persistence and giving me 300 bucks. On the other hand, my mom is probably saddened that her own son doesn't obey her and causes her to burn a hole in her pocket. I really wish we could establish a sense of reciprocal understanding.

The blue whale has a heart about the size of a car. We certainly do not need that big a heart to perform the slightest good deed. Sometimes we really have to reflect upon our actions before we allow all the bad traits to encapsulate us within our Earthly properties.

I really don't know what to do.

Oh well.. Till then,
Be Young, Have Fun, Drink lard =D

Even I Amaze Myself.

2006-11-06T21:59:00.000+08:00

Today's the first day of the long, predestined 'O' Level Examination. Social Studies and E.Math paper today. What amazes me is that just the day before, with only one mere topic of Social Studies covered and none on E.Math, I didn't feel the least frantic at all.

Is this quiescent state of mind the 'answers' to my prayers? Is this done to prepare me to expect the worst? Or is this imparted to me for a logical reason that I just can't study if I were to be having some sort of panic disorder?

Quiescent, yet ennui. I'm so sleepy that at times, I feel like throwing up. I feel like I'm standing face-to-face with an aggressive Grizzly bear waiting to tackle me down any time. Yet there's still this sense of calmness in me. It is really hard to put what I am feeling in words. Helmizar told me that the speaker of a motivational workshop he attended said that this 'O'Level period is the most travailing period in our lives, ever. Somehow it doesn't convince me. Undeniably, this is hard for me. But I don't think i've reached the most travailing phase yet. That moment is just waiting...waiting behind that shadowed corner till I come round and allow it to encapsulate me.

Tomorrow's Chemistry. I'm as sleepy as inactive, thick, sludgy lard right now. I've not touched anything related to Chemistry, but I'm just going to force my eyeballs dry and try to study something at least.

I don't say all these to garner pity nor expect solace. I am neither interested nor in requisition of it. There might be others who did not study as much as me, or had lesser sleep than me. But I'm not interested in comparing that as well. Neither will I bother if someone calls me a whining loser, or any other denominations for that matter, for saying all these. Because ultimately, I know that I did my best, not in terms of the studied content, but in terms of my ceaseless attempts to just study.

I shudder to think of the consequences though.
I'm still calm, really.

Trust Me, Things Will Get Better.

2006-11-01T23:01:00.000+08:00

There are three types of trusts (according to relations with which I'm going to post about, and not the different associate levels to which one shows assurance).

1. Secular Trust
2. Trust - in the form of Faith
3. And of course, the trust in which involves a fiduciary in business issues regarding money or property.

1. Secular Trust (there may be a more suitable word to replace 'secular', but none that i can think of now)
When a buff-looking stranger comes up to us says to us, "Follow me.". How many of us, will, without any form of solicitousness or apprehension, follow? We are all born into this world to love (and trust) everyone else that is in it. It's quite dilemmatic to have to abide to our religious teachings, despite having the fear of the stranger harbouring evil intentions that may hurt us in any way. Should we follow our teachings, or our guts, even if it means that we may get killed?

Looking at the title of this post, it's clear that I'm not going to talk about type 1 or 3 trust. So...

2. Trust - in the form of Faith.
When we were all young toddlers, many of us were stupidly obedient. For some, maybe it was because of acquiescence. Others, just being a plain ol' obedient mama's boy.
When mom tells us to wash our hands before we eat, we do so.
When mom tells us to go to bed early, we do so.
My point? - We never question.

Now, maturity, knowledge and wisdom tells us that God is the only One with perfect knowledge of what's good for us, yet we often behave as if we know better. We are cynical towards his Plan. We doubt, we challenge, we have qualms, and at times, we oppose.

God has formulated our lives in accordance to the way He wants us to learn and nurture. In the midst of our difficult periods, despite all our prayers, we still fill ourselves with pools of 'what if's'. What if I fail? What if I can't get a job? What if things happened this way and not that? All our turmoil and pandemonium are part of his Plan. Anyone who stands in His way is deemed punitive and only constructs the anatomy of one's own downfall.

I ask that we all live in acceptance. We are what we are, or where we are, because God wants things this way, and we should appreciate the way we are now. God does answer our prayers. Have a little Faith and patience. It's time to learn to trust unconditionally, even if it seems like things aren't going the way it should be in order to be what we want it to be. Why can't we all just apply that stupid obedience into this aspect of our lives? We had already done it when we were younger. Why not now?

Day after day, I pray that I can at least pass this 'O'Levels. It's 5 days to my first paper, and 18 days that I have not touched my books + 2 wasted years of not studying properly to anchor my foundation. In fact, knowing the state that I'm in, I should have started my studying earlier and more intense than my counterparts. Things seriously don't seem like it's going the way it should be and it feels like the sun is going down on me.

Total, absolute, entire, complete, unrestricted trust. It's our spiritual nourishment.

As hard as it seems, I am constantly reminding myself to retain my faith and trust that God will answer my prayers in a better way than I asked for. And if for some reason, I don't make it through, I have to understand that it's all part of God's plan. The only vaccination I have is acceptance. Seems a little contradicting that God ALWAYS answers our prayers, yet, it is His plan that we may be predestined to fail at this time.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9 says :
"We are often troubled, but not crushed;
sometimes in doubt, but never in despair;
there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend;
and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed."

God's teaching may not always make sense,
but it's always senseless to think we know better.

Who am I to question His works?

Once a Noob, ALWAYS A NOOB!!

2006-10-23T16:33:00.000+08:00

My fellow proletariats, be not distraught by this perspicuous palpability as presented in this video. It is afterall, a reflective allusion on how we have been living our facade lives. HAHA =D CHERIO!!!

(By the way, this video has already been taken off Youtube, but I can't really be bothered to remove it from my blog.)

IQ Test

2006-10-22T16:46:00.000+08:00

www.tickle.com

Just type 'IQ Test' in the search bar at the top right hand corner of the page. And take the CLASSIC IQ TEST. Cuz that's the one I took. I'm going to try the others soon =)

I stumbled across this website, and they prompted for me to try an IQ test. Which I did, despite being aware of the potential hazards of that advertisement being a prompting virus, or some scam. Thankfully it isn't. Or maybe it just hasn't taken into effect yet.

So I wrecked my brains, squeezing out as many possible and logical answers as I can. And after receiving the results of 127, my morale was wrecked. I'm not claiming that I'm supposed to be smarter or wiser than some proven results from a test. But 127 doesn't feel like it's a good score to me anyway.

Your Intellectual Type is Visual Mathematician. This means you are gifted at spotting patterns — both in pictures and in numbers. These talents combined with your overall high intelligence make you good at understanding the big picture, which is why people trust your instincts and turn to you for direction — especially in the workplace. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

Ironically, they labelled me as "Visual Mathematician" after i received my scores. I've been one who has consistent failing grades for Additional Mathematics and Elementary Mathematics even. Then again, I'm just a VISUAL MATHEMATICIAN after all. Only able to handle sums pertaining to patterns. Byebye differentiation and funtions and logarithmic equations. If only the 'O' levels only had patterns for their math papers...

Who knows? I might turn out to be some scientist studying the universe. I mean ALIENS. The pattern of the stars; crop circles; anonymous, retarded, unpremeditated light flashes every random hour in the Milky Way.

It'll be nice if you guys had tried the test, to share your results with me. Of course, don't be too affected by the remarks or by the scores. I'm just using my example more for humour (though it's not really funny), rather than something that should lead you by your hand. Cheers!

Personal Achievements?

2006-10-21T23:18:00.000+08:00

Seems like it's the ant season now. I don't even understand why there's a season for ants. Is there even a need for an ant season? I don't even know if there's such a thing as an ant season. It's just that I have a serious ant infestation in my home right now. And 3 ants almost stole my mooncake with egg yolk away! I didn't know ant-pirates existed. I wish there was a way I could embalm and mummify them, then sell them to an undertaker at 15 bucks an ant. Hey, those drugs aren't cheap man. And wrapping ant corpses? IT"S FRIGGIN ART!!! Worth every penny of the 15 bucks. Yes, the glory of ant season.

Okay, down to the serious juice.

Personal Achievements, personal targets, personal goals, personal best, personal development.
Things are seriously getting too personal.

Has the hunger for self-development turned into an obsession for ousting status? It could, after all, be the reason why the Guinness Book of World Records was initiated. In 1951, Sir Hugh Beaver, then the managing director of the Guinness Brewery, realised that a book containing answers to questions in which contest the ability of any being, would prove popular - and he was right. From mummifying and embalming and wrapping the most number of ants, to being able to unhook the most number of bras off supermodels in 10 seconds, it all sells.

It could be for informative purposes. But morally speaking, let's keep it real. Those contestants do have a slight compulsion for a shot of fame and recognition, whatever they say. I'm ruling out those medical records because a guy with 50 tumours in his left nostril probably couldn't do anything about the swarming reporters. One subtle move, and BURST! Pop goes the weasel... no more record. =D
Anyway, some record-breakers claim to do this, to prove to themselves to what they are capable of. What difference would it make if u had done the same stunt in your storeroom, and in the presence of couple of hundreds of seated audiences together with the 20 million viewers at home? You'd still achieve the same results! Worse actually, if u were in the watch of so many people. Then you'd screw up bad. Then you won't be able to break any records. Then you'll live the rest of your life in social seclusion because you're too embarrased to face any single weasels. Then you'll die a lonely death. And you'll die with an unaccomplished life just because of that single day u chose fame for something else more sensible.

The issue is not with these record-breakers. It is that, personal development/achievements are meant for self-contentment, self-gratification. It is not necessary to stand in front of the shooting camera and showing people how many eggs u can suck through your sweat pores in a minute, even if this freak stunt is possible.

Many of us have taken the wrong step by doing things in search for recognition and acknowledgement. We should change our focus to doing something that feeds the soul. Something that not just pleases you or the world, but God. Such mundane activities don't impress God anyway.

Now, I can go on forever on how this leads to sexual assault or Tsunami or 911 terrorist attacks or Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (It's a real word mind you!). But it's just not practical. Moreover, I've realised that writing long entries is getting habitual for me.
Sorry guys!

What I said could be presumptive, or plausible. Up to you, weasles.

Evil Proclaims Triumph... For Now

2006-10-18T21:54:00.001+08:00

Yep, what the title says.

Worse, now I'm being made the scapegoat over certain reasonings my mom made. In the previous post, I wrote that I wouldn't disclose details. Looks like things are about to change. Of course, with the generalization maintained.

Without furthur ado, I present to you a long story cut short.

1. grandma leaves home few years ago cuz we couldn't get along well with her. particularly my mom
2. she leaves to live in my cousin's place
3. out of a sudden (2 days ago), she shows up outside our door with her luggage, tins of milk and a container of protein shakes (bros and sis-es, please stick to a normal, healthy, solid, God-given meals. you may be surprised at the harmful effects of protein shakes in the long run)
4. furthur disputes between mom and grandma
5. today, grandma's gone back to cousin's place out of free will, but, with tremendous stress from my mom cuz she wasn't happy with the way many of the things my grandma did :
A. hogging toilet (she's old damnit! give her some time to freakin drop her bombs!)
B. intending to hang the clothes to dry at the corridor of our house (of course that isn't the smartest thing to do, but she could have pointed that out nicely)
C. like... everything? down to the number of daily oxygen particles consuption (pretty darn insensitive if you ask me)

SHE IS YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW FOR GOODNESS SAKE! She was the one who made dad! Without dad, there wouldn't be you and a freak shit called JUSTIN. Now, mom claims to be fighting for my rights for personal territory (which was handed to me after my granda left for my cousin's place. and now that granny's back, it rightfully belongs to her again). I don't have a freakin problem with spending the night in the living room, so quit the rhino crap and don't make it my problem! While fighting for her son's rights, which he doesn't even give a shit about, mommy shuts out her emotions towards how her marital-related mom feels and needs at this point. Isn't grandma part of the family too? She's getting old, and needs all the love and care we can shower her upon. Guess what, I just learnt that my grandma's death wish, is to die in our damned apartment. Smooth move mom...smooth move...

Equating all these reasons, backlash and bullshit, whatsoever, would have made me cry if I hadn't tried to act like a man and held them back.

I saw mom sitting on the couch, staring out of the window into today's clearER sky (PSI: 55 right now, YEAH)
Remorse?
Normal daydreaming?
Normal daydreaming + fantasizing over victory?
Thinking of a new way to clean up Dopey's (my dog) poop and how to mutilate all the Indonesian farmers in.. well, Indonesia?

I sure hope it's the first and the last option. I believe I smelt remorse beneath the serenity. That instant of remorseful silence upon contemplation (or at least that's what i think it is) really launched and bombarded my heart with F16 missiles. Heartbreaking moment I tell you. Now seems like grandma and ma are both in a state of perturbation. I wonder how long i can retain my countenance. Exam stress and all.

Despite this, I still love my mom, really.

Not that general after all eh? Good for you all.
Hope this long entry doesn't bore you guys out, I'll try as far as possible to refrain from posting such stuff anymore.

See No Evil, Hear No Evil...

2006-10-17T22:37:00.000+08:00

An artifice of sacrifice to ostracize through desirable opifice.
Despise! Your orifice to demise from an eternal edifice of tranquility.

It's rather contriant how a person who's 'gentlest at heart' can be so iniquitous in mind, how a Catholic, who's so learned in his (or her) religion, theoretically, can be so uneducated when his (or her) faith and morals are put to actions. Nope folks, I'm not talking about the Angel of Death. It's a person somewhat closer to Earth, to you. Would it surprise you if all this while, I was pointing to our very own dear and loving moms, or mine for the very least. As Priests commonly say, even Satan believes in God's existance. But, a believer would not achieve much until he (or her) transforms himself into a follower. Such an enigma.

Being raised in a Catholic family, I really am perplexed at how oblivious and ignorant us 'Man (and woman) of God' can behave, despite obligatory trips to Church every Sabbath Day, or commonly known as Sunday. Understandably, obligation does not necessarily mean that one will be willing to pay attention during Mass. Yes, there were many times when the Leader of Faith starts preaching, bordom sets into me, and I fall asleep. But how is it that my own dear and loving mother, who constantly persuades me to not skip catechism classes and Mass, for that matter, possess such iniquity herself?

Don't get me wrong though, my mom is a great mom, I can bet my balls on that. But it's instances like this that really irk me. My apologies for not disclosing the details. It's better for all of us to just get a general view of what I'm saying.

I am very distraught that so many of us fail to religiously contemplate upon the phrase 'living in acceptance'. Many of us are so inclined in holding on to our Earthly possessions and properties. Such foolish greedy acts blind us from appreciating the gift that God is offering to us - the gift of Eternal Life in Heaven.

I mean no inter-religious disputes. My second apologies for being so religious in this entry. Not for religious extremists I guess. =D

Mom, I'm sorry for badmouthing you, and posting about it on 'cyber air' even. And I am truly remorseful for that. I just needed to get my mind off things.
God, I'm sorry for talking behind others' backs. I don't wish to speak of something like that again.

Seems like I'm one of those enigmatic people I mentioned above. Forgive me.

Planting Seeds on Virgin Soil

2006-10-15T14:29:00.000+08:00

WELCOME, all you droids, drones, and paganistic whores.
I stand forth with my cries of bondage, presenting to you my very own blog. =D

Honestly, I used to think that blogs were stupid. "today hor i go to school, then i beri de sad, cuz my teecher lyk scold scold me cos results like shitz lors. buay tahan nehs", "today i went to orchard and i saw the very very hot and cool and thermally unstable ENERGY (or fucking 5566, F4 shit) with pantyhoses worn on their heads! cool? or cool! Yeah i thought so!". Who in the living hell would give a damn about how u feel or how your day went?!?!

It was till not too long ago, when I started visiting blogs of friends' and engaging in their tagboards, that I realised how meaningful the use of a blog can be. And that's when I started taking interest in building up my own blog. Hopefully, my entries don't end up like those on top. Hopefully. =)

Feel free to drop me some tips and advices pertaining to the blog structure and the blog entries.

I bid myself bon voyage.